Dear Eric: Thirty years ago, at the age of 29, I was sent by my missionary organization to South America. There, I met three middle-aged lady volunteers: Mary, Jane and Beth. Since I didn’t speak Spanish and Mary and Jane knew English, I became close to them.
However, jealousy soon flared up between them. Jane started telling me to be careful of Mary because she believed Mary was infatuated with me. I was clear about my own feelings and intentions, so I conveyed them to Jane. Despite this, Jane kept insisting to the point where I had to ask her to stop coming to our center.
I stayed there for five years. Mary came to our center every day, and when I left, we kept in touch. Ten years ago, Beth finally confirmed to me that Jane was right – that Mary had feelings for me and had even told her that she didn’t care that she was married, and I was a celibate missionary. Since then, I’ve been very upset. I’ve been ghosting Mary and feeling guilty toward Jane.
After 30 years, I found Jane on social media, but I didn’t contact her. Is it my responsibility to make amends? Should I confront Mary about the injustice toward Jane without involving Beth?
– Confused Missionary
Dear Missionary: Your personal standard may be different from mine – in which case, follow your own, of course – but I don’t think you’re obligated to make amends to Jane nor confront Mary.
What Mary said to Jane indicated a flaw in character and created a problem in Mary’s relationship with Jane for which she should make amends. But from your letter, it doesn’t appear that you did anything inappropriate. Indeed, it sounds like you had clear, healthy, well-communicated boundaries with Jane and Mary. Of the two, Jane is the one who crossed them by continuing to pester you about Mary. Her intentions were noble, sure, but when you asked her to stop, she should have stopped.
Meanwhile, Mary came to the center regularly but, by your account, didn’t cross a boundary with you – even though she may have wanted to. This reads to me like an issue that was about you but didn’t involve you. After all this time, you might do well to let it stay in the past.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.