Asking Eric: Friend always offers help and then flakes

Dear Eric: How do you recommend dealing with a friend who often offers assistance but never follows through? By the way, cognitive or memory issues do not impact any other situations, and the offer does appear to be genuine.

Since the matters are generally not urgent, and I have the means to resolve them on my own, I would rather not wait days, weeks or months for the help. Asking again (and again and again) seems like chiding or begging but then I find myself hiding from this friend for fear of her discovering that the matter had already been resolved and I could have spared myself the time or expense by just reminding her.

– Help Wanted

Dear Help Wanted: An offer of help is only as good as the help itself. Otherwise, it’s just a pleasant sentiment. Nice and thoughtful on its own, but – as you’re experiencing – not effective. When your friend offers assistance next time, ask a crucial follow-up: when. This need not be accusatory or hostile. Rather, you can frame the question as a desire to get something on the calendar so that both of you can plan effectively.

Sometimes, the best intentions need a little scheduling assistance. The most overbooked date on any calendar is “Someday.” By putting a date (and maybe even a time) to the offer, you’ll be managing your own expectation and also setting a shared expectation for both of you. If your friend doesn’t show at the expected time, you’re free to manage the matter on your own, with no hard feelings and no avoidance.