Dear Annie: I am embarrassed to admit this at my age, but I feel like the kid left out at recess. I am in my late 40s, married with kids, a steady job and a calendar that looks full from the outside. But inside I feel lonely.
I have plenty of “friendly” people in my life. We chat at school pickup, at work, in the neighborhood, and everyone says, “We should get together soon.” Yet somehow those plans never happen unless I am the one organizing, texting, reminding and following up. If I stop being the planner, everything goes quiet.
On social media I see group trips, girls’ nights and birthday dinners that I am not included in, even with people I thought I was close to. I tell myself to grow up and stop caring, but it still stings. I start to wonder what is wrong with me that I am always on the edge of things instead of really in them.
How do I stop feeling like the backup friend and either find real connection or make peace with the way things are? — Always Almost Included
Dear Almost Included: First, stop treating yourself like the understudy in your own life. You’re not the “backup friend.”
What you’re seeing is less judgment toward you and more a reflection of other people’s habits, comfort zones and sometimes plain old thoughtlessness. It stings, but it’s not a verdict on your worth.
Keep inviting when you genuinely want to, but stop chasing. Put your energy into the people who show up, not just the ones who post. Try joining a class, book club or volunteer group where the structure makes it easier to deepen friendships.
The right people will not need constant reminders that you exist. They will be glad you do.
Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].