Dear Eric: My friend was recently diagnosed with ADHD. She is now continually late for events or doesn’t show up at all. On one occasion my friend was coming for dinner at my house. An hour before she was due, I got a text from another friend saying they were now having dinner at her place. My first friend didn’t contact me at all, not to apologize, nothing. I’d spent a lot of money on food and was cross.
Other times she forgets to show up at all unless I remind her several times in the lead up, or she’s really late. When she does arrive, she reminds me she’s ADHD and pokes fun at me for being so uptight about time.
My mom is dying, my father is elderly with dementia and needs care from me and my sister, my daughter is ill and I’m very stressed. My time is really important to me. And I feel very sad and alone at the moment. It’s become a lot of work to maintain this friendship.
I don’t want to lose my friend. I love her. I want to be supportive of her diagnosis, but I seem to be falling short in my heart, if not overtly.
What can I do to be better at this? Can you suggest any resources that might help me understand?
– Tired
Dear Tired: It’s possible to ask for what you need in this relationship and still be sensitive to your friend’s needs. For instance, it’s not appropriate to demand that she always be on time, but you can reinforce that communication is the bedrock of any relationship, so even after the fact you’d appreciate a check in if plans are missed.
It doesn’t seem like you’re being heard. Because what you described in your letter is someone whose candle is being burned at both ends, whose time is limited, and who needs support. Your friend may not be able to show up on time for you, but she should still be showing up.
Every friendship goes through seasons. Maybe this is not the season that you two are aligned. But it’s worth having an honest, blame-free conversation about what you both need at this moment.
As for more education, you might pick up “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help,” by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.