Lew Alessio is a retired educator and former public health professional who lives in
Greene.
“We proudly announce the arrival of our 7-pound, 8-ounce bundle of joy!”
With your dad’s nose and mother’s eyes, welcome, little one, to the world of pink or blue expectations. We wish you long life, health and happiness!
Before the child has spoken, grabbed a rattle or revealed a temperament, expectations begin to accumulate. Some harmless, some useful, some expectations may even reflect the real world.
Long before the child discovers who they are, many of us are eager to explain who they should become. We tell children that this is how boys behave and that is how girls behave. We reward conformity and question deviation.
“Real man” and “proper lady” began as descriptions, but often became directives. “Sissy” didn’t merely describe a boy. It warned him. “Tomboy” didn’t merely describe a girl. It excused her.
Over time, many of us have concluded that the assumptions embedded within those words no longer reflect human potential and healthy child development. Guidance had simply become a fence.
Meanwhile, the words masculinity and femininity themselves remain remarkably durable. Still, ask 10 people to define either term, and you are likely to receive 10 different answers.
I have never read a list of supposedly masculine traits that could not equally be applied to a woman. Courage. Integrity. Leadership. Responsibility. Perseverance. Self-reliance. Nor have I encountered a list of allegedly feminine traits that I would not happily discover in a man. Compassion. Empathy. Kindness. Patience. Emotional intelligence.
Masculinity. Femininity. Give three examples, please.
All of which leaves me puzzled.
If we cannot agree on what masculinity and femininity mean, why are so many people convinced that losing them would be a cultural catastrophe? Yet those same people often struggle to explain precisely what would be lost. If we are confused, what confusion do we engender in our youth? What are we afraid of?
As with “sissy,” “tomboy” and the rest, perhaps it is time to examine these labels that limit
people. I vote we stop telling people who they should be. I vote we stop judging whether a person is masculine or feminine.
Let’s ask whether they are admirable. Are they kind? Courageous? Honest? Responsible Compassionate? Resilient? Do they treat others with dignity? Do they contribute something of value to the world?
Those questions tell us far more about a human being than anyone’s unyielding
definition of masculinity or femininity, because the words no longer help us know one
another. And because everyone, child or adult, deserves the best possible chance for a long life of health and happiness.